Wednesday, October 29, 2003
*nurul
i guess rite now i feel much much better. but i wld be lying if i said everything's alrite already. mebbe it will nv be alrite? i just hafta take each step by each step and do my best and work hard i guess. heyyy ks, after reading your blog, reallie glad you had lotsa fun during your hol in aust. hahax. =] i wheesh i was dere. gahhhhhh. =P but dun worry abt me yea? i'm slowly picking up the pieces and trying to piece everything back together. so dun worry, i wont do anithing stoopid. since the start i nv believed in cutting, so i will nv do it. mebbe i was irrational so it was like an option. but not animore. i've thot abt it and its simply not worth it. so dun worry yea? and dang gurl, do i deserve being called your greatest fren in dis world? hmmmm. and dun worry yea ks? to me you are still the same ks and haf NEVER changed and you haf definitely not let me down before. so yeaaaaaa. thankew to those whu haf given me your support, for asking me whether i'm okay anot. for everything. for all the encouragement, for believing in me. you all trooly rawk my lyfe.
i guess most of us haf mellowed down by now. all of us are growing up and we are not wad we used to be, innocent and happie, without a care for anithing in this world. and OF COURSE you can hang out wif me anytime yea! i missed ya alot! hahahha. missed all the carefree happie daes, luffing all the time. abt all kinds of crap, abt fake british accents, abt stalking shuai ges, abt making lip indentations on our macs ice creem. hahahax. everything seemed so much happier last time. why did we all grow up so fast and hafing to move on? why are we being immersed in all this problems? why cant we be wadever we used to be?
i yearn for the past, for the happiness, for the luffters and smylesx. i wanna hold on to the memories of pure happiness and bliss but its slipping thru my fingers. sigh. why cant i hold on to it?
d.u.h rite. the meet the parent session turned out to be horrible. wad was damn disappointing was dat the one whu turned out to be more bastardy was not dat idiot but my own dad. todae was reallie an eye opener to me. i just found out abt how my dad's also a pure jerk. fancy saying this in front of me and den saying dat in front of dat idiot. the meeting wasnt a mutual discussion of my results at all. it was more like me being a captive and both jerks trying to drive me to a corner. thruout the whole meeting, i was biting and chewing my tongue frm saying wad i reallie felt. a duh i was expected to say wadever dey wanted me to sae. like i will ever be able to sae wad i felt. cuz if i did, dat idiot will chew me off already. and wad more frm the start of the meeting i started crying, and OH MAN! isnt dere tissue in your office or sumfing?! fancy giving me SERVIETTES. dat is so fooking consolable. *pats the idiot on the back... after the second half of the meeting, i gave up trying to put my points across. i just hmmm. and kept quiet at everything he said. AGAIN the same views dat i nv studied came. FARK YOU LARH. do you noe dat LIT'S NOT JUST ANOTHER LANGUAGE WHERE YOU CAN DO ANIHOW. YOU NEED FACTS, YOU NEED TO NOE YOUR LIT STUFF. SO SHADDUP AND DUN SAE DAT I NV STUDIED. you're not the only one whu's disappointed wif my results. I'M EVEN MORE DISAPPOINTED CAN?! ITS MY MARKS NOT YOURS, SO NATURALLY I WLD FEEL MORE FOR IT DEN YOU. i worked hard for this exam, you dunnoo, you said i nv, were you sitting beside me every min to see whether i was studying?! did you noe i gave up most of the things i love to do, just to study?! did you noe dat?! did you noe how much effort i put into it?! and for it to come back slamming as bad as ever?! do you noe how i feel?! apparently not. dad, both you and him "ganged up" against me, making me feel even worse, like as dou i deserved all this for NOT STUDYING. when will you ever consider me to be studying?! until i dun eat, sleep, go to the toilet, yawn?! every min to be studying?! i understand dat you all trying to find out wads the prob and trying to help me. I REALLIE DUNNOO WADS THE PROB! I DUNNOO! I'M AT MY WITS END ALREADY. i studied like mad and still its damn bad. dad, you nv compared my marks frm mid yr to finals. dere's an improvement. mebbe slight improvement. but i IMPROVED STILL. why cant you see dat?! why are you all focusing on results?! is this wad sch is all abt?! one mite be intellgent but once she sees the paper, she panics and forgets everything she has learnt. SO DUN JUDGE EVERYTHING ON JUST RESULTS WILL YA?! PSLE WAS DIFFERENT. SO DUN FARKING THINK DAT JUST BECUZ I DID WELL FOR PSLE I CAN DO IT AGAIN. EVERYTHING'S CHANGED. and wad he asked me to change my attitude. I DIN EVEN SAE ANITHING DAT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SAID. I JUST KEPT MUM AND QUIET. is dat wrong?! IF I HAD OPENED MY MOUTH, AND MY WORDS WERE BULLETS, YOU WLD BE DEAD i hate him. i hate my dad. i hate the two of dem for driving me to a corner. i hate crescent. i just wanna crawl up a hole and die.
*nurul
and now i reallie finallie understand why pple cut. to some, when dey cease to feel anithing at all, dey need sumfing to make dem feel again, like a normal human, if nothing can make dem happie, den dey needta feel pain. so den dey cut, i guess cutting makes ya feel like human again? dat you can feel again. once you feel pain, mebbe you wont be feeling numb, emptiness? mebbe this applies to some, but dat was how i felt. even suicide seemed like a delicious thot. oh wellsx. rite now, i dun reallie feel anithing. just numb and emptiness? i'm too tired of screaming in my mind, of crying... my eyeballs hurt as it is. its over. i dowan to think abt it already. and wad? my dad expects me to be like wad i was BEFORE the meeting. happie. sorrie dad, i dun think i'll ever smile. not for now. you reallie made me damn disappointed. i thot you were a partial person. not a hypocrite. and i esp hate it when you blame it on MY CLASS?! MY FRENS?! dey haf nothing to do wif this alrite?! all of dem did better den me. i'm just stupid alrite. not intelligent. accept the fact dat i'm stupid yea? -i.m.s.t.u.p.i.d- precisely why i wanna crawl up a hole and die. cuz if my results is the key to happiness in my future and my life. den i wld sae dat death is definitely the only solution rite? if everything revolves over this, den i reallie got nothing much to sae already.